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The List

This is 'The List', otherwise known as 'You can tell if you've been sitting in the computer lab too long when...'. This list was written in the wee hours sometime in mid 1996 so some of the 'net references are a little archaic. This is probably a decent account of internet history as it covers three versions of Netscape, 486 computers with windows 3.11, Unix, Linux and dot matrix printers trying desperately to print postscript. Enough of my blather, enjoy the list.

If you repost this, please give credit to Duggy, Amy, Simon, Bugsy and the rest of the Remora Lab at James Cook University in 1996. Also link back to this page, quote this URL or Amara's Super Silly Homepage.

"78 You GO HALT and the computer taps you on the side of the head to make sure you're still working." - PADuggan.


1 If you're stuck to the seat.

2 If you can go outside and still see the cursor.

3 If you won't order pizza, because you can't do it by E-Mail.

4 When you've spent more time waiting for Netscape to contact a host than you've spent sleeping in the last 24hrs.

5 When you think that the beeping of the door is aliens sending you messages.

6 If you fondly remember when people only joked about you not having a life.

7 When you can't remember the difference between virtual and real sex.

8 If you start humming to the monitor whine.

9 When you and your friends see a trip to the nearest vending machine as an adventure.

10 When you consider eating in a MUSH as important as eating in real life.

11 When you you've been logged on and active longer then Ian Hunter's been idle.

12 When you giggle insanely, and don't notice.

14 When you can't talk to someone without moving your fingers.

15 If the palm of your hand is the exact shape of the mouse.

16 When someone had stolen your chair two hours ago, and you haven't fallen down yet.

17 When Santa has gotten used to delivering your presents to the Computer Room.

18 If you ignore the door handle and try to click "OK" to Exit the room.

19 If the computers have been upgraded three times since you entered the room.

20 If windows Set-Up has been run (successfully) once while you've been in the room.

21 When writing this list seems like a good idea.

22 When the Coke Machine knows you by name.

23 When real life seems like virtual reality to you.

24 When you hand write typos.

25 When see the villians in DOOM as the computer center staff.

26 When you get a reply from the "help" desk.

27 When you become CASE-SENSITIVE in normal conversation.

28 If you will only answer to your login name

29 When people look into your eyes and see a screen saver.

30 Your MUD characters have developed their own personalities and refuse to listen to you.

31 When you cut yourself and you bleed coke.

32 If you keep writing the same sentence over and over again.

33 If you keep writing the same sentence over and over again.

34 When you find the point of perfect balance where the chair won't fall back.

35 If you make paper hats for every computer.

36 If the White Pages list the Computer Room's phone number as yours

37 When you can't spell simple words like "ti" and "nda"


39 When your pizza delivery order contains three words "Usual For Remora"

40 When your pizza delivery order contains three words "Hi, It's Me"

41 When you make a partition out of used coke cans.

42 If you get used to the temperature.

43 If you notice that the beep of the door and the beeping noises of the printer are working in unison to drive you crazy.

44 When you use net abreviations in real life.

45 When you lag in real life.

46 When you want your PC as your best man at your wedding.

47 When you write dot instead of ".".

48 When you can't see the screen and it doesn't matter.

49 When "asdasdf" is an acceptible typo for "logout"

50 When you don't understand the word logout

51 When you reach 50 of these things and they start to get to easier to come up with.

52 When you get enough frequent online points to get extra log in time.

53 When you come up with weird things to fill up the list

54 When the fatman has landed and the eagle walks alone

55 If you don't realise that they're weird things.

56 If you get up to 56 before you realise there was no 13

57 When the rest of the room acts as your memory

58 When you know how many dots there are on the ceilings

59 When you have names for the little dots on the ceiling

60 You make origami animals out of the strips off the edges of the printer paper.

61 You consider typing "Go to toilet" an acceptible replacement for actually going.

62 When someone says "Hey it's dawn again, guys!"

63 When noone says "Hey it's dawn again, guys!"

64 If the cleaners know you by name.

65 If you realise you are typing with your mind not your fingers.

66 If you believe A: drive will despense pizza.

67 When you refuse to graduate fearing your access will suffer.

68 When you enter the room and everyone yells your name.

69 When you get to sixtynine and can't think of a rude joke.

70 When you call the real world "Virtual"

71 When the Tutor asks you for help.

72 If you desperately look for something on this list that doesn't apply to you.

73 If your children's names are eight letters long, with a three letter extension

74 If you just stare at people for no apparent reason.

75 When the monitor blinks more often then you do

76 When the fire brigade have to log you in in a different lab, before you'll evacutate the building.

77 When you'd rather burn then spend that much time in transist.

78 If you pause, and the computer taps you on the side of the head to make sure you're still working.

79 If the terminal pines while you're away.

80 When you miss your favourite show so you can be the first to post to the newsgroups about tonight's episode

81 If people leave at 5:15 in the morning and you think they're strange.

82 When you set up a tent at the front of the lab for when you get tired.

83 If the tent has a phone line, and a modem.

84 When someone says "sleep" and you say "what?"

85 When people who used to be online more then you ask you if you have a life.

86 When you become a light bulb joke.

87 When your eyes adjust faster then you can fix the V-hold.

88 When you vaguely remember the date that you logged in.

89 When your computer starts crying, and begging for rest.

90 Blah!

91 If you bring your own porta-potti

92 If the only windows you've seen in the last twentyfour hours has a scroll bar.

93 When you start to think that disgusting web page backgrounds look nifty.

94 If you remember the date of you wedding by checking when you logged on.

95 Isn't a number, it's a windows version.

96 If you read this list this far without giving up.

97 When Mulder and Scully investigate you as an unexplained phenomenon

98 When you do a Mexican Wave at the camera.

99 If you spend more money on junk food then a small african nation spends on arms in a year.

100 When you fall asleep and dream in text.

but wait.... there's more! (The List part 2)

As a footnote, 99% of this list was put together by Paul 'Duggy' Duggan, Amy 'Amara'Pronovost, Simon Barber, Bugsy and the other denizens of the Remora lab at James Cook university in Queensland, Australia sometime in mid 1996. (sometime between 4 and 6 in themorning...)

Feel free to post this to humour usenet groups, but please give credit where credit is due. One person that can still be tracked down is me (Amara) and you can send me email at if you feel so inclined. Reports indicate that Duggy is still kicking around, too. Hi, Duggy!

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